Friday, August 08, 2008

vampires, things and perfect snogging

The Kid was out getting shite-faced with work last night, so I had the flat, and therefore the telly, all to myself. A quick trip to Film Night (way better than Blockbuster - it's totally non-sensical display system rules) meant that I could rent the films I actually wanted to see. Namely, scary/explosiony films for boys.

First up: 30 Days of Night. It's been a while since I've seen a good vampire film, with actual scary vampires in it. I Am Legend, for example, was great UNTIL the vampires arrived. They were silly, with their silly big mouths and shouting. The bad bitey people in 30 Days... look pretty similar, but are infinitely more scarier, and properly brutal. I had to go round the flat closing all the windows and flicking all the lights on. I'll plant a tree later to balance out my carbon doo-dahs.

The only rubbish bit about the film was when I made popcorn and burnt it. How did I burn popcorn in the MICROWAVE?

I still had Rambo and Tell No One to get through. But I've got them for two nights, and didn't want to spunk my film-load too early. So I flicked on the telly, watched a bit of Family Guy (Peter goes back to school undercover as the new cool kid 'Lando' to stop a drug epidemic - licking toads - and ends up dating his own daughter. Genius) and then Alan Carr's celebrity Ding Dong. The show was pretty shit, but he's comedy gold. Makes me larf and larf. He does a good joke about having psoriasis, taking his driving test, emergency stops and a bag of muesli.

Anyway, the show was distracting enough for me to have composed myself after the vampiring. Well, the bottle of red also helped calm my shredded nerves. I went round the flat again turning off lights and finally plucked up the courage to have a wee.

By the time The Kid staggered giggling through the door, I was halfway through The Thing on Sci-Fi. I haven't seen it since I was traumatized by the head growing spider's legs when I was a youngster. But I soldiered on through and loved every minute of it. Is it some sort of metaphor for the cold war? Why was Kurt Russell's beard and hair so enormous? Did we really used to have computers like that? Why did they have three flame-throwers on a science station in the arctic?

Questions, questions...

Thursday, August 07, 2008

undressing the nation... then popping their clothes back on

Hello Trinny and Susannah! While we all suspect, I suspect, that they're a couple of right nasty bitches in real life, they don't half do a good line in tit-lifting, bum-squeezing posho fashion advice.

Last night they were undressing the nation, making women in a Milton Keynes shopping centre feel better about their bums. There were lots of different lady bums on display. Kind of normal-looking-for-a-middle-aged-woman bums with a few dimples, really long, flat ones, the token "I lost 17 stone in four weeks and now my arse looks like an Aldi carrier bag", and a couple of very tight, very pert bottoms attached to ladies who knew full well that they had very tight, very pert bottoms but insisted that their backsides were "oh, huge - I hate it!". Then why, pert-bottomed lady, are you wearing lovely black frilly knickers and fishnet stockings, rather than the requisite huge off-white granny pants everyone else was wearing? Hmm?

The whole idea behind the show, apparently was to make these bot-hating womenfolk love their rumps a little bit more. They had bronze casts made. They did not like them. A couple of them went, bizarrely, to the University of Central Lancashire in Preston, to have CGI representations of them made, walking in heels. I remember making a 3D dolphin on my Amiga (with a whole ONE MEGABYTE of memory!) that was more convincing than these computer models. The best bit of the whole show, however, was when Trinny took two of the ladies running up a mountain with a hard-looking personal trainer type man. "Huzzah!", thought I, "She's making them do exercise to tighten up their flabby derrieres." And then Trinny ruins it all by saying, "God, this is hard work isn't it? Look you two, you can either do loads of BORING exercise to make your arses look nice, or I can teach you how to make it look nice using control pants and shiny clothes."

After the break, everyone was in Trinny and Susannah control pants (available from Littlewoods Direct. Who sponsor the show) and wearing a new dress. You go girlfriends! We suspect, I suspect, that all the women still hated their arses, but now they were lifted, hoiked, shaped and shifted into flesh-coloured, under-wired cycling shorts and looked better in jeans. So who cares? Next, T&S meet a morbidly obese family, undress them, realise it all looks a lot like too much hard work so just pop them all into full body stockings and nice suits from Littlewoods Direct. Problem solved.

Also in the news(paper) was this article in the Guardian the other day. I once got confused whilst trying to cheek kiss an old boss. I went in for the second cheek, she pulled away, then came back in, we ended up lip-kissing. Awful.